Well, all over the world most people have some breakfast. Some just drink a coffee. Others need a croissant they can soak in the coffee until it’s enough soft to eat without dentures. There are countries they have pap for breakfast – a mash of maize cooked to sluggish goo avoiding any tasty experiences early morning. Some are on simple Dal Bhat and others on delicious Smörgasbord. Definitely the whole world’s variety of breakfasts is normally prepared and cooked freshly every single day.
Well, there’s also the All-American Motel Breakfast. It also has quite a variety to offer. But there are some differences to any other breakfast in the world:
– all items are produced to minimize the effort of the motel’s employees. Thus no preparation of any food; no cooking, except microwave, no dishwashing,
– there are many items to choose from, but all are convenience food: prepared and cooked to perfection by the food industry,
– all items are designed according to a secret formula to balance human’s nutrition needs and to avoid any gain of weight – of course with a few, well counter-balanced exceptions.
Whatever. As soon as you enter, you’re enthusiastically greeted by some friendly employees. Typically Heyguyshowareyoutodaywishyouawonderfulmorningwithourmagnificientbreakfast – pleaserememberit’scomplimentary. Now it’s your turn to know where the discreetly placed tip box is.
You’re slightly astonished you can sit wherever you like. But only after the table has been intensively disinfected with some spray. Now you’re ready to start your breakfast.
Plates’n’ cutlery you easily find in a corner were they installed the so-called breakfast buffet. There are carton or more often polystyrene plates and cups – and of course plastic knives, forks’n’spoons. Imagine such stuff outside in Europe – sorry mates, some environmentalists would get the whole motel staff by the balls.
To start with, of course you need a coffee. Choose between a regular or a decaf 1. Fill your polystyrene cup from the big coffee pot, blend it with milk (fat free, low carb of course) or creamer and add sugar (of course artificial). If you’re happy they even have some flavours to add: vanilla, strawberries, raspberries, egg sandwich, etc. You try the coffee. You learn that they use real Colombian Arabica and wonder why it’s not tastier. Or you observe that they simply use some convenience coffee from a tetra pack and fully understand its quality. Maybe you wonder why there’s no coffee flavour to add to the broth.
As everybody knows the very heart of an American Breakfast is eggs and something meaty. Of course you need some of this stuff.
Mostly you can have real eggs: hard boiled and peeled. Don’t worry they’re ready made for consumption in a food factory, delivered in vacuum packed plastic bags to keep them hygienic and fresh until consumption. So, they should be fine.
If these eggs don’t feel too appetizing to you take the omelettes. The supplier cooks them to perfection, packs them according to all necessary hygienic standards and delivers them all over the country. And they’re guaranteed 100% cholesterol free, contain no fat, no gluten, are low carb, low vitamin and low calories. Probably these omelettes contain even no eggs. Pretty sure it’s a vegan dish. Of course they smell a little like old shoes or rotten paper, or more likely grandma’s old foam mattress – what else could you expect.
Whatever your choice, you have to improve the taste with a lot of salt and some meat. Sometimes you get bacon – mostly the artificial, beaconless 1 with this incredible bacon flavour. More often you’re simply offered sausages or burgers. The only difference is their name. As you will never be full by just eating this decarbonized, no fat, no cholesterol, gluten free, low carb and no calories stuff, this meaty side dish is prepared to counter balance. Thus it’s prepared with fatty pork or beef: Of course roasted in animal fat – not the usual extra virgin olive oil you’re used to. The result is a gourmet’s nightmare: a greasy piece of meat, dripping with fat, but still with no taste. But it’s your only opportunity to get your desperately needed calories, your carb, your cholesterol, your vitamins and probably your caffeine. Most people take quite a number of these delicious pieces of meat with their delicious eggs.
There’s more to munch: foremost cereals: you can choose the sugar flakes (lot of sugar with a few cereals) or the coloured 1s. Whatever you take you soak them with fat free milk from real cows or from soy beans.
Unfortunately we cannot appreciate the 2nd 1s – we never had the courage to try them.
Finally there’s bread. It’s this kind of industrial bread, very soft, of course without crust. This square bread is sliced in the factory, then packed into plastic bags to keep it fresh for months. There are different varieties of this bread: white, brown, rye. Whatever your choice it has the same taste or none at all. To eat it you have to toast it first. Then put some butter on it (fat free, no cholesterol, low carb’n’cal, …) and finally add some jelly: Easy – only 1 brand exists for motels. However 4 different tastes are available: grape, strawberries, orange and mixed fruit. They all taste the same. Alternatively in rare occasions you’ll have some peanut butter.
After having chosen all this gourmet’s delights you’re ready to enjoy your breakfast.
Once you’ve finished you throw the whole remains of your breakfast in the garbage and you’re done. Ready to start your beautiful day.
Well, there are many more items for a real American Breakfast. E.g. hash browns, orange juice, biscuit with hot sauce, bagels, Philadelphia cream cheese, pancakes, waffles, blueberry muffins, pink donuts, etc.
We haven’t reported on them yet. Maybe we’ll add a 2nd part. Well, maybe not – after having tried this biscuit with hot sauce…